The Shattered Heart & Mind

Gema yang begitu nyaring dan menyakitkan telinga..

Begitu juga dengan hati..

Memaku diri pada sudut ruang..

Begitu juga dengan waktu..

Nanar menatap serpihan pikiran yang berserakan..

Begitu juga dengan hati..

Memaksa diri beranjak dari ruang..

Begitu juga dengan waktu..

Demi memeluk serpihan - serpihan..

Pikiran dan hati dalam pangkuan.

Happy New Year 2013

Another fresh new year is here . . .
Another year to live!
To banish worry, doubt, and fear,
To love and laugh and give!

This bright new year is given me
To live each day with zest . . .
To daily grow and try to be
My highest and my best!

I have the opportunity
Once more to right some wrongs,
To pray for peace, to plant a tree,
And sing more joyful songs!

~William Arthur Ward~

Touched by an angel.

We, unaccustomed to courage
exiles from delight
live coiled in shells of loneliness
until love leaves its high holy temple
and comes into our sight
to liberate us into life.

Love arrives
and in its train come ecstasies
old memories of pleasure
ancient histories of pain.
Yet if we are bold,
love strikes away the chains of fear
from our souls.

We are weaned from our timidity
In the flush of love's light
we dare be brave
And suddenly we see
that love costs all we are
and will ever be.
Yet it is only love
which sets us free.”

~Maya Angelou~

Asa & Rasa

Rasa itu begitu nyata.
Sakit menusuk.
Menyeruak lantang.
Menghentak kesadaran.
Menghempas harapan.
Menghadirkan kenyataan.
Akan mimpi yang telah usai.
Terenggut paksa.

Rasa itu begitu nyata.
Perih menghujam.
Mengoyak hati.
Mengaburkan keyakinan.
Menggoyahkan pertahanan.
Menghadirkan pertanyaan.
Akan takdir yang teramat pahit.
Terengkuh duka.

Rasa itu begitu nyata.
Hampa terasa.
Menyandera logika.
Merampas asa.
Mencengkeram jiwa.
Menghadirkan kesesakan.
Akan dingin yang menyakitkan.
Terentang luka.

...

Suffocation

Oh fifty..
I'm so lost in this forest of shades.
I've found myself suffocated by the beauty of your darkness & wounded soul.
Because your pain is so beautiful, it makes your heart so fragile.
B.e.a.u.t.i.f.u.l. & F.r.a.g.i.l.e.
As beautiful as the prelude.
As fragile as the rain drops.

Laters, baby.

September Whisper

Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing,

there is a field. I'll meet you there.

When the soul lies down in that grass,
the world is too full to talk about.
Ideas, language, even the phrase "each other" doesn't make any sense.

-Rumi-

C'est la vie.

Nothing is written in stone..
Everything can change..
There are highs and lows..
Go with the flow..
Even when the boat rocks..
Just feel the swing..
And learn to dance with the rhythm..
Seize the moment before it seizes you..
Because things vacillate, things sway, things even capsize..
That's life.

I heart this song..

Abstract

I woke up this morning feeling a little puzzled.
All of sudden, a certain part of my brain has decided to play oldies out of the blue.
Some memories from my past, randomly & intensely bubbling on my mind from the moment I opened my eyes.
It's weird, since I'm a kind of 'present' people.
I don't like living in the past. I let everything that happened in the past become either a sweet memory or a lesson. But I never let my past become a shadow in my present time.
I hardly looking back over my shoulder, have no regrets, never watch the same movies twice, always look and moving forward.
What has been done, it can not be undone. The only thing I would do is learn from my mistake and do better next time.
I don't know why my brain having a time travel this morning, in fact I'm lack of sleep because of my stomach hurts so bad all night long.
Well I guess, no body knows how it works. Sometimes its just happen, just like a dream blooming in your sleep.

Time flies. It's been almost a half year, since the last time I posted a note on this blog.

Been there, done that. I traveled a lot in the past 6 months.

From the south to the north. From the east to the west.

Literally and emotionally. 

I'm blessed, having a chance to see so many beautiful places around the world.

I'm lucky, having a chance to try so many delicious food around the world.

From macaroons in France, pasta in Italy, paella in Spain, bratwurst in Germany, xiao long bao in China, hamburgers in USA, gyros in Greece, to crispy duck in Ubud.

One thing I've learned from those amazing journeys is always live in the present. 

Cherish the moment, taste every bite of the food that you put into your mouth, enjoy what's on your plate, take a deep breath, exhale slowly, fully engaged into the 'NOW', and forget the rest.

Life is a short journey. Be a light traveler.

Never bring your 'past' luggage into the present. 

Takes in only what's the most matter thing to you.

Let go of the rest.

Detach yourself from anything that can hold you back. 

Enjoy your precious life, now.

Catatan hati di awal 2012

Sore ini, di akhir minggu kedua di awal tahun 2012.
Di temani hujan yang terus menerus mengguyur bumi selama beberapa hari terakhir ini, aku menyesap kopi ku perlahan, menikmati buih krimer yang lembut nya menghangati bibir dan rongga mulut ku. 
Meresapi setiap jengkal perjalanan kopi itu yang membawa kehangatan di tubuh ku yang meringkuk kedinginan. Menenggelamkan diri dalam pelukan sofa empuk, berharap mampu mengusir dingin yang mulai merambati hari.


Sore ini, di sebuah sudut kedai kopi kesayangan ku. 
Yang kerap ku datangi, baik hanya untuk sekedar menikmati waktu yang bergulir di temani aroma kopi hangat dan kayu manis kesukaan ku maupun bertemu orang-orang yang ku kasihi, berbagi kisah kehidupan, ataupun hanya sekedar menghabiskan halaman demi halaman dari buku yang sedang ku baca.


Sore ini, aku mengamati butiran air hujan yang membasahi kaca jendela kedai kopi ini. Sesekali mengamati gerak langkah manusia-manusia yang berderap cepat, mengerutkan kening, melipat kedua tangan di dada, mengatupkan bibir, entah kedinginan entah kelelahan entah banyak pikiran. Tak urung, aku pun tersenyum. Sendiri. Membayangkan skenario-skenario yang terjadi di dalam kehidupan manusia yang tengah aku amati. Hidup itu misteri. Banyak tanya yang hadir di dalam kehidupan manusia. Banyak kabut yang terkadang muncul menghalangi keyakinan. Namun yang terpenting bahwa hidup itu anugerah. Anugerah yang harus senantiasa kita syukuri. Anugerah yang begitu indah yang seringkali lupa kita nikmati dan luput dari kesadaran kita, manusia-manusia robot.


Sore ini, di awal tahun 2012.
Hampir genap 36 tahun aku menikmati perjalanan kehidupan ku di dunia ini. Perjalanan yang cukup panjang bila di banding kan dengan usia keponakan ku yang baru satu digit. Perjalanan yang masih panjang bila di banding kan dengan usia orang tua ku. 
Sungguh mengagumkan bagaimana terkadang waktu terasa begitu lambat berjalan, dan tiba-tiba kita terbangun, menengok ke puluhan tahun yang tiba-tiba sudah berlalu dan berada di belakang kita. Hidup itu memang relatif. :)
Relatif mudah dan menyenangkan. Relatif sulit dan melelahkan.
Relatif indah dan relatif buram. Tergantung dari sisi mana kita memilih untuk melihat nya.


Sore ini, di sebuah perjalanan kehidupan.
Aku bersyukur akan hidup ku yang penuh dengan warna dan rasa.
Warna yang kadang cerah, kadang suram. Rasa yang kadang suka, kadang duka. Karena setiap warna dan rasa yang hadir dalam kehidupan ku, mampu menghasilkan suatu karya seni yang menakjubkan.
Yang ku perlukan hanyalah, mundur sejenak, melihat dan mengamati lukisan kehidupan ku dari jauh. Semarak penuh warna dan rasa. 
Dan itu indah. 


Tidak ada resolusi tahun baru yang aku buat.
I am grateful and thankful to be alive. And I will keep living my life to the fullest.

August

August has always been my most favorite month of the year.

Not only because I was born on August 28th, but it also because August is when my most favorite season has begun. 

Autumn or fall season is my favorite time of the year especially when I lived in Germany. 

For some reason I’ve always sentimentalized this season. 

There's something so beautiful, romantic and mysterious about it. 

The colors of trees, the falling golden leaves, the sunny days with chilly breeze, the smell of wet leaves, the romance of the gray sky, the wistfulness of the shorter days, the melancholy feeling that always came out to the surface whenever I walked down at the Promenade alone with those crisp leaves. 

Gosh, how I missed those moments...

Since I moved back to Jakarta, I still loves autumn. I found another version of fall season here, with its own beauty. The falling leaves, the smells of Gardenia, the chirping birds, the splash of rain during a very hot days, the gray sky, and sometimes when I'm lucky a chilly breeze. 

So last week was my birthday. I am 35 years old now.

Time is flying by really fast.

Right on my birthday, I had a very deep contemplation about my life. About 35 years that passed me by and would never come back.

35 years of my life.

Indeed, I am so lucky to be alive.

I am so grateful, having a lovely family that always been there around me since the moment I was born.

I thank God, for all the blessings that I've been given during 35 years of my life.


Every morning when I wake up, I always thank God that I am still breathing and having another chance to enjoy His precious gift, the life itself.
I am fully aware that life is a present from God.
That's why I always living my life to the fullest.
Cherish every moment of my life, with it all ups and downs.


And right before I blow away my candle, I've come to my senses...
Looking at those 35 candles, I realized that I have already been walking down at least the half of my circle of life.
I don't remember when exactly it's start, but I always imagined that life is like a circle, like a clock, that always ticking and move forward. It's true that we never know when it will end, but let's just assuming that we've been given a full circle to live our life so it means I've reached the middle point of the circle.


Honestly, I was scared. Not because I feel old and afraid to die.
No, not at all. I always celebrate my age. I'm not kind of people who don't want telling their real age. I'm proud with who I am, including the year I was born. :)) And I'm not afraid to die, because I know that we have no power at all to add one single day in our life. We belong to God. And whenever He decide to call us back, there's nothing we can do to prevent it. 
All we can do is living our life to the fullest while we're still breathing.


I was scared because I was thinking about my parents.
Thinking about the circle of life, I'm so afraid of losing them.
I love my parents so much. And I couldn't bear in mind the fact that one day they will gone to heaven. 
I am so grateful that I still have a chance to spend the time with my parents now, and I thank God for that.
And I pray every single time, that God will always bless my parents with a good health, happiness, peace of mind, and a long life.

My Next Thirty Years 

I think I’ll take a moment, celebrate my age
The ending of an era and the turning of a page
Now it’s time to focus in on where I go from here
Lord have mercy on my next thirty years

Hey my next thirty years I’m gonna have some fun
Try to forget about all the crazy things I’ve done
Maybe now I’ve conquered all my adolescent fears
And I’ll do it better in my next thirty years

My next thirty years I’m gonna settle all the scores
Cry a little less, laugh a little more
Find a world of happiness without the hate and fear
Figure out just what I’m doing here
In my next thirty years

Oh my next thirty years, I’m gonna watch my weight
Eat a few more salads and not stay up so late
Drink a little lemonade and not so many beers
Maybe I’ll remember my next thirty years

My next thirty years will be the best years of my life
Raise a little family and hang out with my husband
Spend precious moments with the ones that I hold dear
Make up for lost time here ,In my next thirty years

In my next thirty years...

September

Footfalls echo in the memory

Down the passage which we did not take

Towards the door we never opened into

... the rose garden.

-T.S. Eliot-

Unexplainable.

I love words.

I always love words.

Words are mysterious and beautiful creatures that have a soul in my opinion.

They have an invisible power that can change our mood in just a second.

Words can bring us into a deep darkness moment yet a bright sunny smile.

Words can make us flying high up in the sky yet make us falling free into the cliff.

It's a wonder that words can describe something that goes beyond our comprehension.

It's a magical experience how words can transform us into another world.

I always got myself lost in the sea of words of a good book.

My thoughts and soul were swam freely into the ocean of words.

I read every word slowly, chew it carefully, contemplate it deeply, until it takes me to an intimate absorption.

Sometimes I read the word/sentence all over again if I've found the word/sentence was an extremely extraordinary beautiful.

Weird isn't it?

Anyhow, there's a moment when I feel something that goes beyond words.

Something that I can't explain.

Something that I can't find the substitute of it in any word that ever exists.

Most of the moments, I can categorize in two. Either it's something beautifully painful or painfully beautiful.

But still, it goes beyond words.

The feeling.

At this very moment.

Solitude

Beringsut perlahan, menarik diri dari hiruk pikuk dunia.
Meninggalkan dentum-dentum kefanaan.
Keriaan pun kian sayup terdengar seiring ku merasuk jauh dalam lembah pemikiran.
Menyusuri hening yang begitu gaduh memantulkan buah pikiran.
Terhanyut dalam arus rasa yang bergelora.
Membawa diri berlabuh di tepian impian.
Tersesat dalam khayalan yang terbiaskan kenyataan.
Jiwa pun terpekur dalam hangat nya dekapan kenangan.
Membiarkan hati melambung tinggi bermain bersama awan-awan harapan.
Di nikmati walau sekejap.
Karena pada akhirnya, semua awan pun akan kembali terhempas.
Kembali pada kodrat nya.
Pada saat nya.


Note: Photo courtesy of www.favim.com

I Want To Hold Your Hand

There's a moment when I have no words to say...
There's a moment when I have no story to share...
There's a moment when I have no voice to speak...
There's a moment when I have no strength to move...

A moment when you look into my eyes...
A moment when you hold my hand...
A moment when you take me in your arms...
A moment when you complete me.

It's been three weeks since I left 2010 behind..
Before I travel deep into 2011, I took some time to look back and had some kind of reflection
moments on my life's journey in 2010.

2010 has been one of the best years of my life.
With all of ups and downs, 2010 has taught me to be a stronger, better and hopefully wiser person.

I've learned that life is too short and too precious to be waste by being ungrateful.
I've learned that life is more beautiful when you stop being a judge.
I've learned that life is good when you stop complaint.
I've learned that everything in life has its own time.
I've learned that it's a wonder to have more time being with my beloved parents.
I've learned that sometimes life give you a second chance.
I've learned that there's always two sides of coin.
I've learned that home is where my heart is belong.
I've learned that life is so generous when you start counting your blessings.
I've learned that it's important being consciously aware of all things in my life because it won't last forever.
I've learned to always keep breathing and be present.
I've learned that God is working in a mysterious way.
I've learned that less is more.
I've learned that time is everything.

And the most remarkable moment in 2010 is when life has lead me back to my long lost precious 'home'.
Now, I'm home and settled.
And I am ready to experience everything life has to offer in this brand new 2011.
:)

Time Reflection

Time is a scarse commodity, that in so many ways
so often, is taken for granted.
Cherish, enjoy and make the best of what you are given.

Time flies by so swiftly without making a sound
travelling on a course that no one can determine
moving even when we are asleep in the night
unravelling mysteries for the eyes to behold.

Some people watch  as it goes by
while others make provisions while the sun shines
the wise take heed and are aware
when others squander theirs and dont care.

Before you know it, you are old and gray
reminiscing on the good  times you  had
or sitting in your rocking chair, 
regreting the chances you didnt take
or   gramacing from aches and pain
from life's journey
that we have travelled.
 

Sometime I wonder why time flies so fast
but I can never come seem to produce an answer
only to realise that time is a master
ruling the old and the young,
and everything else on the earth.


By Milton Handfield

Thanksgiving

Today is Thanksgiving day. Even though we don't celebrate it as a public holiday in Indonesia, I love the idea of Thanksgiving day it self. Thanksgiving day in United States is a time to offer thanks, of family gatherings and holiday meals. A time of turkeys, stuffing, and pumpkin pie. A time for Indian corn, holiday parades and giant balloons, to celebrate what it's known as a harvest festival before. Traditionally, it has been a time to give thanks for a bountiful harvest. According to Wikipedia Thanksgiving is celebrated by the American people on the fourth Thursday of November every year.

Apart from the euphoria of Thanksgiving day, it's true that we don't have to wait until Thanksgiving day to express our gratitude and thankfulness. Just like what William Arthur Ward said:

“Gratitude can transform common days into thanksgivings, turn routine jobs into joy, and change ordinary opportunities into blessings.”

As a catholic, every time I celebrate the Eucharist, I use it as an opportunity to give thanks. The word itself, “Eucharist” is a Greek word that means: Thanksgiving. We don’t have to wait until Thanksgiving Day to express our gratitude to God and one another. In fact, cultivating an “attitude of gratitude” is actually a spiritual discipline that can bring us greater happiness in the long run.

Every night before I sleep, I thank the Lord for giving me another day to live my life, the precious gift of my family and for all the graces God has bestowed upon me.
I always ask myself, what am I grateful for today?
That simple question has never failed me. It really helps me to stay positive despite the not-so-good things that occasionally happen in my life.
Because I believe, the more you notice good things and appreciate them, the more good things come into your life.

By being a grateful person, we're able to see the world differently. There are always good things behind everything that happen. Life is beautiful as always.


Note: What are you grateful for today?

Letters to Juliet

My heart's melted watching Letters to Juliet.
Not because, it brought my memory back to the beauty of Verona and reminds me right away how I've missed the city very much.
But there's something extra ordinary beyond all those beautiful sceneries of Italy.
Well, I do consider myself to be a hopeless romantic but the story line has really got into me so deeply...
I dont think the movie was that great itself though, kind of a sappy romantic movie with a typical fairy tale happy ending.

Anyway, I think its so sweet that no matter what age you are, you can still find your true love.

Do you believe in second chances at finding true love?
I do...

And the best part of the movie for me is:

Dear Claire,

‘What’ and ‘if’ two words as nonthreatening as words come.
But put them together side-by-side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life: ‘What if’?

I don’t know how your story ended.
But I know that if what you felt then was love - true love -
then it’s never too late.
If it was true then it why wouldn’t it be true now?
You need only the courage to follow your heart.

I don’t know what a love like that feels like,
a love to leave loved ones for,
a love to cross oceans for
but I’d like to believe if I ever felt it I’d have the courage to seize it.
I hope you had the courage to seize it, Claire.
And if you didn’t, I hope one day that you will.

All my love,

Juliet



Note: How far would you travel to find true love? At the end, the greatest love story in the world is your own.